I have to admit, several times over the past two and a half years I have sat back and wondered if what Stuart and I were doing was the right thing. In case you are our friend/acquaintance/blog follower and have been under a rock all this time, we've been a married-couple-living-apart since residency started. Let me give you a brief recap:
We got married mid-way through medical school, and along with that came applying for residency training programs. Matching into a training program is a bit like rushing a sorority, and thankfully our first choice wound up wanting me too! We were excited to plan a move to Charlottesville, recently named happiest city in the country, and Stuart started his job search. Soon we realized that although everyone loves C'ville, folks living here are often under-employed due to the size of the town. Stu looked and looked, and not a job was to be found. I moved up to start working, and he stayed behind in Mississippi so that he could keep his good job. If life was easy he could have quit and moved with me and gotten a job at some coffee shop. But considering we had a mortgage on a house we couldn't sell (which Stu had bought before he even knew me) as well as a bit less than the average $170,000 medical school debt I had accrued, that wasn't an option. Stuart is the main provider of our family and didn't want to put us in a precarious position.
We prayed and prayed, and I was cranky sometimes, and finally about 6 months after my residency started, Stuart's company said they could move him to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh?! we thought. Above the Mason-Dixon line and really cold, but this would mean we were a driving distance apart instead of a flight, and Stuart would get to work in a different side of the petroleum industry. This seemed ... reasonable ... and also an answer to prayer to be closer together. He moved up north and settled into his new job with some new friends, and I further settled into Charlottesville. He had his own apartment, and I had my own (and meanwhile, we still had the mortgage). I think the hardest part was telling the story. Because you know people always need more explanation when the conversation goes:
"Oh, I see you're married, where does your husband work?"
"Pittsburgh"
"Ohhhhhh ..." <insert worried glance because they think you're getting divorced, or something worse>
Most folks were understanding, though it was exhausting going through the story every time, and I still dread it though much less than I used to. However I will say some people, while they probably didn't mean it, were hurtful. There were a couple of judging looks and responses such as: "well I could never stay married if I lived apart from my husband", or "I would be so worried about him being around other girls when you aren't around", or "if I was married, I would never put my career over living with my wife", and "y'all are a great couple, but I don't understand your life choices." It was hard to explain I actually thought what we were doing was the RIGHT and RESPONSIBLE thing given our financial situation, and my husband was actually putting MY career above HIS by letting me pick the program where I thought I fit best. We never stopped believing that what we were doing was within God's Sovereign plan for us, though sometimes it was really, really, really hard.
You really can't understand how hard it is to live apart from your partner unless you do it. Oddly enough it gets easier as you go along ... it becomes almost normal, just as any other thing you adjust to. Every time Stuart would leave Charlottesville, I would cry awhile, and then get on with my work week. You just do what you have to do. And we prayed for our future daily and that God would provide a way for us to be together. But He didn't. Job applications came and went. Promotions were passed over. Our hopes were raised for transfers and over and over again we were let down. Things started looking bleak, and while I was progressing through my training we still didn't have a plan for what would happen as my graduation approached. As you know (again unless you've been under a rock) Stuart loves the political scene, and ultimately wanted to move that direction in his career. We had hoped that would be a plan with his company, but again those plans kept getting rejected. We knew we didn't want to live in Pittsburgh (it snowed 66 inches there last year, let's be serious people), but otherwise didn't know where we would plant after graduation. Of course this is never made easier by acquaintances/church members/strangers you meet/family members asking "where are you going to live/what are your plans?" I honestly would sometimes make up answers just to sound confident. "Oh we'll be moving to Houston and Stu will be blah blah and I will blah blah", etc.
Marriage is a pretty funny thing, and sure does make you grow as a person. But in hindsight (and in the moment) it's always been kind of funny that when I was really discouraged, Stuart would be having a great week. And vice versa. So we were always able to encourage each other. And of course even though there were some not-so-supportive folks as above, our families and closest friends were always wonderful listeners and constantly prayerful, and a shoulder to lean on when we needed it most.
Then, a couple of months ago, we got some news. Stuart had spotted a job opening at a new company, American Petroleum Institute in DC. He didn't even tell me at the time that he'd applied for it since we'd had so many disappointments, then a few days later he was called for a phone interview. Then an in-person interview. He felt they went well, but then we had to wait and pray. It was SO SO hard to not get excited about this job. But if we'd learned anything along the way the past two years it's that our plans and hopes are not so great, and God's are greater. We resisted getting excited with every fiber of our being. Then ... he got a call that he got the job! And they wanted him to start in TWO WEEKS! We hurriedly packed up his apartment (interesting I just happened to have a few days off and be in PGH when we got the news), and then the next day he contacted a friend who let him rent a bedroom just a short bus ride from his new office. Things have been going great at his job, and every time we run into one of Stu's old friends, or sit next to an Alabama/Mississippi couple at a new church, have great realtors fall into our lap, etc, we're reminded just how perfect God's plan and God's timing are. And to top it off, the reason Stuart got this job is because of his experiences in Pittsburgh. In other words, if we hadn't lived apart, and Stuart hadn't had a less-than-ideal job in Pittsburgh, then he would have not gotten this job, which is what he has wanted to do for years! Wow! I just can't even explain our excitement, and our gratefulness, and ultimately our thanks and praise to God.
Stay tuned. Exciting things are to come, and I guess I have to come up with a new title for the blog!
